10th November 2026

Why have we become so uncomfortable with needing one another?

What if the most independent person in the room is actually the one who knows when to ask for help?

Independence is widely admired. Being self-sufficient, resilient and able to stand on one's own two feet are qualities often associated with strength and success. From an early age, people are encouraged to make their own decisions, take responsibility and learn to manage life for themselves.

There is nothing wrong with that. Having the freedom and confidence to direct one's own life is important. But somewhere along the way, independence seems to have become confused with never needing anyone.

Asking for help can feel like admitting failure. Depending on others can be seen as weakness. Those who need support may even feel they have somehow fallen short of what society expects of them.

But is that really what independence should mean?

The uncomfortable side of independence
Life rarely unfolds according to plan. Illness, unemployment, relationship breakdown, financial hardship and unexpected responsibilities can affect anyone. Sometimes the challenges are temporary. Sometimes they change what a person can manage for themselves.

Consider someone who has always managed their household finances carefully. They work, pay their bills and rarely ask for assistance. Then their relationship ends, the household becomes dependent on one income and unexpected expenses begin to accumulate. Before long, they are struggling to keep up with rent, power bills and debt repayments.

Seeking help from a financial mentor might be the first time they have admitted to anyone how difficult things have become. Together, they work through the numbers, identify priorities, contact creditors and develop a plan. The mentor does not take over their finances or make decisions for them. They provide the knowledge and support needed for that person to regain confidence and make their own choices.

Was that person less independent because they needed help? Or did accepting support give them a better chance of becoming independent again?

The problem is not independence itself. It is the expectation that people should be able to manage everything alone, regardless of their circumstances.

The paradox of modern life
Modern life offers more convenience, technology and opportunities than ever before. Information is readily available, services can be accessed online and many everyday tasks can be completed without speaking to another person.

Yet greater convenience has not necessarily made people more connected.

Someone trying to access housing assistance, navigate a benefit application or understand their legal options may find themselves moving between websites, phone queues and different agencies. Each service may have its own requirements, forms and processes. What appears straightforward from an administrative perspective can become overwhelming for someone already under pressure.

There is a difference between being able to access a service and feeling supported by it.

Technology can make life easier, but it cannot always replace the reassurance of another person who takes the time to listen, explain the options and help someone work out what to do next.

Perhaps society has become better at providing individual solutions while becoming less comfortable with the human relationships that help people through difficult times.

Are different generations really less self-sufficient?
Generational differences often become part of the conversation about independence.

Older generations may look at younger people and wonder whether they are as resilient, resourceful or self-sufficient as those who came before them. There can be a perception that previous generations simply got on with things, solved their own problems and expected less assistance.

Younger generations, meanwhile, may question whether the expectations placed on previous generations were always reasonable, or whether enduring hardship was sometimes mistaken for strength.

Both perspectives have something worth considering.

Previous generations often faced significant challenges with fewer conveniences, fewer formal support services and less access to information. They developed practical skills, relied on family and neighbours, and found ways to make things work with what was available.

But it would be easy to romanticise the past. People also experienced poverty, isolation, limited opportunities and situations where asking for help was difficult or socially unacceptable. What appeared to be self-sufficiency may sometimes have been necessity rather than choice.

Younger generations face a different set of pressures. Housing affordability, employment insecurity, changing family structures and the complexity of modern systems all influence what people are expected to manage.

Perhaps the question should not be which generation is more independent, but how each has adapted to the circumstances it inherited.

It is also worth being careful about judging previous generations too quickly by today's standards. Many of the opportunities, freedoms and advances enjoyed today exist because of the efforts of people who lived through very different times. Their decisions may not always align with modern thinking, but the foundations they laid should not be overlooked.

Every generation has its strengths, limitations and lessons to offer. There is value in understanding those differences rather than assuming one generation has somehow lost the qualities of another.

When does helping become unhelpful?
Recognising that people need one another does not mean that all help is beneficial.

There is an important distinction between supporting someone and taking over their life. Help can become unhelpful when it removes a person's ability to make decisions, undermines their confidence or creates an expectation that someone else will always solve their problems.

Imagine a parent experiencing family violence who is trying to find a safe place for themselves and their children. They may need help with safety planning, housing, finances and navigating unfamiliar services. But they also need to be heard, believed and involved in decisions that affect their future.

A support worker can provide information, help coordinate services and walk alongside them through a difficult process. They cannot make all the decisions on that person's behalf. The goal is not simply to get someone out of a difficult situation, but to help them regain safety, confidence and control over their own life.

Consider someone who has been carrying the effects of a difficult relationship, grief or a significant life change. They may appear to be managing everyday responsibilities, going to work and looking after their family, while privately struggling with anxiety, loss of confidence or feelings they don't know how to process.

Through counselling, they have an opportunity to talk openly in a safe, confidential environment, make sense of what they are experiencing and explore ways forward. A counsellor does not tell them how to live their life or make decisions for them. Instead, they provide a supportive space in which the person can develop their own understanding, recognise their strengths and find the confidence to make choices that are right for them.

Seeking counselling does not mean someone is incapable of managing their life. Sometimes it is precisely the step that helps them do so.

Good support strengthens a person's ability to participate in their own life. It recognises their strengths and respects their right to make choices, even when circumstances are difficult.

Sometimes the most useful assistance is not doing something for someone, but helping them do something they could not manage alone.

Nobody makes it alone
The idea of complete self-sufficiency becomes difficult to defend when everyday life is considered more closely.

The food people eat, the homes they live in, the roads they travel on, the medicines that keep them well and the technology they use all exist because of the knowledge, labour and contributions of countless other people.

Even the skills and opportunities individuals develop are often shaped by parents, teachers, colleagues, friends and mentors.

And that reliance extends across generations.

Every generation inherits knowledge, discoveries, infrastructure and opportunities created by those who came before. Modern medicine, technology, education and many of the freedoms enjoyed today have been built on the efforts of previous generations.

Perhaps people are sometimes too quick to judge those generations by today's standards, forgetting the challenges they faced and the foundations they laid. None of us starts from scratch. Each generation inherits a world shaped by others, adds its own contributions and leaves something behind for those who follow.

Interdependence is much bigger than the immediate relationships between people. It is a continuous chain of human effort, knowledge and contribution stretching across time.

The difference between independence and isolation
A person can be capable, resourceful and confident while still needing support. They can make their own decisions while benefiting from advice. They can live independently while relying on neighbours, friends, family and community services at different stages of life.

Consider an older person who no longer drives. They may be perfectly capable of managing their household, preparing meals and making their own decisions, but getting to a medical appointment or visiting friends has become difficult. A volunteer driver can provide the transport that allows them to remain active and connected.

The volunteer is not making that person dependent. They are helping remove a barrier that would otherwise restrict their independence.

There is also something important in the relationship itself. The passenger may share stories, knowledge and experience with the driver. Both people can gain something from the interaction.

This is where independence and community connection meet. Support does not always have to be about solving a crisis. Sometimes it is about maintaining the everyday connections that make life richer and help people remain part of their community.

What kind of community are we trying to create?
Community organisations often work at the point where individual independence and collective support meet.

Their role is not simply to solve problems or provide services. It is to help create the conditions in which people can maintain their dignity, make their own choices, develop their strengths and participate in community life.

And support should never be viewed as a one-way relationship.

Someone who has received help during a difficult period may later become the person who offers it. A parent who once attended a support group might eventually volunteer to welcome others. Someone who received practical assistance may have skills, experience or knowledge that can benefit their neighbours.

People are not permanently divided into those who help and those who need help. Those roles change throughout life, sometimes without much warning.

A strong community makes room for both. It recognises that everyone has something to contribute, even when they are going through a period of needing support.

Perhaps the real measure of a successful society is not how many people can manage entirely on their own. It is whether people have the opportunity to live with dignity, make meaningful choices, contribute what they can and access support when circumstances require it.

Independence matters. Personal responsibility matters. Resilience matters. But none of these qualities requires people to live as though they owe nothing to others or should never need anything in return.

True independence is not about never needing anyone. It is about having the freedom, dignity and confidence to direct one's own life while recognising that everyone relies on others at some point.

Nobody makes it alone. There should be no shame in that.

Created with help from LLM prompting.